So, My Friend Has an Eating Disorder

As I was trying to find something (anything) in the news that wasn't dull or political campaign related, I realized I have all kinds of topics stashed away in my brain.

Eating disorders are usually very secretive illnesses*. Now and again, you'll hear about such-and-such sports team that competes with pounds, as well, or a group of friends that compete against each other. But by and large, most persons with eating disorders don't like to share that information, or won't share that information.

A good friend of mine and I are both eating disordered. We shared this information with each other after we'd met, and we were both disordered before the friendship began.

So, how do we pull it off? Food, weight, and body image affect so many areas of our lives--how could we possibly do anything fun together? How does the food "thing" work in our friendship? How in the world did we manage to live together for three months?

I can only speak for myself. Yet, something tells me that she would say similar things.

I am open, honest, and up front with her. I tell her when things "trigger"** me, when I'm grumpy over having a Fat Day, or completely uncomfortable doing something.

Get this: we do everything (or almost everything) that every other nineteen-year-old does. We play in the sun, on the beach, go swimming, go shopping, go out to eat, and sit on the floor and eat pizza together. We flip through magazines, attend college, sometimes work out, and drink beer. These things can be weird at times, and a little awkward. But in some twisted way, there's no one to comment on my hesitance to eat pizza. It's encouraging, actually.

I don't comment on what, how much, in what fashion, or how often she eats. I would never say, "you need to eat" or "you're going to eat all of that?". I don't comment on her clothes and how they fit. I don't comment on her body. Period. She doesn't comment on mine. Now and again, she'll say she likes what I'm wearing or I'll say that the clothes shes got on look cute. But I never comment on her body or the way her clothing fits her (it's also rude for the general population, by the way).

It wasn't long after our friendship began that I quickly got over the necessity to completely cover my body in front of her. We have this kind of understanding, I think, that both of us are uncomfortable in bathing suits, to an extent. It's a silent understanding, but nonetheless powerful. And for some reason, being uncomfortable with another person who has, at least, empathy, takes away a lot of embarassment.

Food is still weird between us, at times. Sometimes I'm in a kicking-ass-taking-names healthy mode, and she is not, or vice versa. But whether she takes one bite or twenty, it's okay. I get it. To be honest, she's the only one I'm really comfortable eating around, anyway.

We don't do the eating disordered thing together, or compete, or compare. First, it wouldn't be realistic, because we are very different heights and structures. Second, because it's not healthy. Third, we are separate people with separate disordered behaviors and it is still a little bit of a secret.

We lived together, several times. Most recently, she lived in my studio (itty-bitty) apartment. Meaning, we shared everything: a bed, a scale, the fridge, the bathroom, you name it. And we managed well on the eating disorder front, overall.

We just didn't push each other to eat/to not eat. I never felt that I couldn't eat something in front of her, or that I had to eat when (or what) she was eating. We bought our own groceries, though we were poorish and mostly got groceries from others. When we did buy groceries, she bought what appealed to her and I did the same. I ate like I would have had she not been there.


Like any other friendship, when you get down to it, I still only want what's best for her. What I've found is best for our friendship is staying away from things that I know trigger her, not making comments, and leaving the topic of what she's doing with her body at the time to her. I think others would to well to follow that advice, should they find themselves with an eating disordered friend (or end up being a pair of friends that both happen to have eating disorders).




*I say "illness" not "disease" because it is possible to recover.

**I really hate the words "trigger" and "triggering"; they sound like someone else has a pistol to my face. It also reinforces the perception that all eating disordered folk are crazy (with their hands on guns)--and that's simply not true. Yet I continue to use these words because they are widely recognized and I can't think of anything better (yet).